im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize