I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize