remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
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he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
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You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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