i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
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figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
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I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Just puked most of my soul out..
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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