The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
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I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
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Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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