Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
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