you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
