I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
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I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
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I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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