She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
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He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
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I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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