The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
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Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
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Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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