He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
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don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
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3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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