idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
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I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
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Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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