I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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