Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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