corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize