i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
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The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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