Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
