I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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