It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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