Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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