You're so nebulous sometimes
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
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Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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