Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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