She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
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You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
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First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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