the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
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She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
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Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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