Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
