i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
