I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
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I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
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I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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