My room smells like vodka and shame
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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