I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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