Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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