At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
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You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
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Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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