I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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