I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
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I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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