I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize