I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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