I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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