And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
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I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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