Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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