Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
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He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
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i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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