So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize