i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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