i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
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I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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