tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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