Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize