I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
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I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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