I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
The air was thick with penises
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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