My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
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I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
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You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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