oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
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On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
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She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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