i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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