she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
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The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
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can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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