Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
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His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
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Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
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